Blessings of hope

2009-02-04T02:04:00.002+08:00

Today i had a surprise when I came to work... I almost wanted to take mc cause I had really bad diarrhea and my tummy hurt so bad that i couldnt sleep properly and almost wanted to come... i was sorta scared I would faint cause i always seem to faint when I experience some sort of pain.
But I didnt ... off course... i am trying not to take too many mc unnecessarily unless I am dying... hehe...

Well when I came to work my sister called me into the office and told me i was going to be transfereed to ward 57. I was sorta shocked when she told me that although I had requested for it myself. I just felt excited ... New enviornment, new setting, new things to learn... well I actually like where i am although it can get pretty hectic. I could easily have sunk into the hole of familiarity , but i still wanna give other places a try and i sorta havnt totally focused on what i wanna do yet. I just know i feel stagnant where i am and probably a new setting would do me some good ... so well, i am pretty glad.

Reflections of 2 years in Nursing

2009-02-02T21:10:00.002+08:00

Its been a long long journey and I dunno how i landed where I am now... Basically i like what i do but i hate the management and I hate the work processes. I used to be ever so optimistic that i should never let my environment affect me but i should in turn change my enviornment, however sometimes find my strength is too insignificant. What really makes a good nurses. Are they the ones that get a good quality service award and have their faces pasted on the wall every year?

I am feeling less and less job satisfaction from what i do every day. Instead of the real patient contact, i feel overwhelmed with paper work, policies procedures, theories. Patient care is a superficial touch and go event of every day nursing duties. Where is the nurse that loved to listen to her patient's stories, sing to them when she was changing their diapers (yes that was me... i was crazy), was ever so ready to put on a genuine smile. Instead of that I am a nurse flying from one task to another with the aim of completing all the tasks and going home on time. When have i last really felt happy when working. When have i started treating it like a job... something that i drag myself out of bed in the morning to go to...

Do i really want to do this for the rest of my life? I guess I would probably end up as a eccentric old maid, which i feel myself heading to. Is all this worth it, just for something i considered as a passion for helping and serving many years before.

I tell myself maybe its just me... i should try to be optimistic , but somehow just felt like a walking robot who just carries out her duties dutifully but finds no joy in it... I beleive its not only me thats having this problem just that ppl dun write it down in pen and paper i wouldn't be surprised at least 50 percent think like that.

2008-08-25T23:39:00.002+08:00

Today I went back to my ward. It feels weird to be back again and i felt pretty disorientated. But it was a good thing i was doing junior work today. It is a good thing there were some students around to help around... i dunno how long I wanna stay around le, maybe in a moneths time I shall request for transfer out but to where is still an issue. Right now, I am putting all my time and effort on my nursing management essay which i think i shall lose sleep over. i am feeling depressed cause i really dunno whether I can finish it by then. I requested for a time extension but it was not granted... I dun care if i only sleep a few hours every night but I must get it done. I am trying to detach myself from everything around me that is distracting. I really really dun have time to entertain any other thoughts. I just want to get this over and done this. i just hope others will understand I am in a very difficult situation. Haiz. dunno why everytime it reaches this sort of assignment period there seem to be more distractions than normal. My friend asked me to go gym, another asked me to watch movie, another asked me to go out at night. Then my sister is coming back soon. i really wish could go out with her but will be busy, but at least have to give her some priority...

Ok, i better get back to doing my assignment!!!

2008-08-25T01:06:00.002+08:00

OMG... I am so bloody drained out. Now I know the feeling of writing a essay when I have absolutely no knowlege whatsoever on the topic... So i am trying to read up more on topic , but time seems to be running out... Shit!!! Even though today I had a whole day to figure it out but was too distracted with other stuff, and i find it terribly difficult to write... Oh shit, i feel scared!!! tomorrow gotta wake up early to go school print out the articles I need. After that its back to my hell hole ward... this was a pretty bad time to go back i have to say... haha

Farewell my friends

2008-08-23T17:26:00.002+08:00

Today my ward held a farewell party for the 4 of us leaving to go back to our wards next week. Initially, I was rather reluctant to go cause wanted to stay at home to start on my assignment but then thought i shuld go and get some sort of closure... I didnt regret going back today!!! It was such a nice stress relieving event. I came late and we had pizza hut, kfc and even had a cake ... Then we took alot alot of pictures which i will try to upload later when i get them on my hands... I feel sorta sad that i am leaving though i was sorta irritated that i get deployed out all the time... I guess thats the contradicting thing about human feelings... After that was tempted to watch the movie " Cyborg She" or go shopping... cause really feel like watching that show!!! But i told myself, I must try to be disciplined and do my assignment.... Sucks.. Life sucks.... arrrgh!!!! But I still wanna watch the show Cyborg She... seems like a nice show!!!

Monday going back to my ward to work... Must get my momentum of routine work back again...

2008-08-23T00:23:00.001+08:00

2008-08-22T23:46:00.002+08:00

Today is my sleeping day after my night... It has been the most memorable night shift i have ever had... Details i shall not dwell into but memories I will keep...

Today got an sms from my friend saying I will be going back to my ward next week, apparently my sister requested for me to go back to my ward... Actually i feel a bit reluctant to go back especially at this time when all my assignments are coming crashing. Though I know this is a place I dun really wanna stay for long but I cant deny its a good place to be now when I am busy with studies. I never regret getting out of the ward for a breather and i never regret this experience and oppurtunity to experience other stuff. Thank god for this experience!!!

My present ward holding a farewell party for me and another 2 staff going off next week. Actually feel like staying home and doing my assignment but i thought I better go, cause they prepared a farewell for us and think should just go... I dunno when will be the next time I see them...

Today went out with my poly mates jenny, hafiz and jacq... Its been a really really long time since i last saw them and we had a nice get together though it was a bit noisy and crowded at marina. After which we went to watch fireworks... it was really better than I expected. After that went home with jenny and we had a nice long chat... i am happy i got the oppurtunity to watch fireworks with my poly mates cause i remember when we were still in poly we would come every year. so was sort of nostalgic...

2008-08-21T17:54:00.002+08:00

The past few nights have been a very naughty girl... anyways, cant say much about that... But tonight is my last night shift and i feel so happy... I really dislike night shift though i know by now should have accepted it...

2008-08-17T01:18:00.002+08:00

Its already past one at night and I still cant sleep. I have been tossing and turning in bed since god knows when until I finally cannot stand it, decided to go online for a whiel... Tomorrow I am morning shift ... get it... I AM MORNING SHIFT., and i cant even sleep a wink... Well tomorrow I am pretty excited, cause after morning will be going out with my current colleagues to sing k box... Well... Although I still have a bit of a sorethroat as i am currently recovering from a flu I dun mind joining in the fun... ;).

I am pretty happy of the decisions I made , and my then rash decision to be voluntarily deployed out, cause because of that i experienced many other expereinces which I would not have experienced if i were in the same place. And these 2 months have been sometimes fun, sometimes busy... But nonetheless i am grateful for these experiences. Cause i made new friends, gained more experience, learned new stuff, felt new feelings... wat more could i ask for. There are still things in my heart i want to know but i realised its not something that will come just by thinking of it alone, so i will just take one day as it goes....

2008-08-15T17:48:00.002+08:00

Today is my off day and i still have to spend the day studying... sianz... wat a life i have... Next monday I got a quiz on research so have to do a bit of reading up. Now in the sim library ... I feel so sleepy now after eating my dinner of sweet and sour pork rice... Yummy... Anyways nothing much happened recently. My monitor broke down so i had to buy a new one from challenger. i bought a samsung flat screen LCD one and it really looks good... i am pretty happy with my purchase...

2008-08-12T23:23:00.002+08:00

Inner beauty and outer beauty... my mum always told me it not what matters on the outside but on the inside... And I always felt that inner beauty was of utmost importance, though sometimes it was something that could not be seen. However, as time goes on, I some how realise how insignificant inner beauty seems as in comparison to outer beauty. Even to me somehow felt my views have changed. Sometimes, I wish for that outer beauty that everyone is craving for... But off course , I know I should be contented with what I have. I always wished that in spite of my plain average looks and weird personality sometimes, someone would see through it and find it beautiful. I think its just wishful thinking... I think no one would bother with a plain , simple average girl.... Haha... I know it sounds kinda pessimistic... maybe its just realism... Maybe its just sorting out my thinking... I still think inner beauty is important after all. Its something that will never leave even when u grow old and wrinkly...

2008-08-11T00:25:00.003+08:00

Today went back to work after a short break, however this morning my NC called up early this morning saying that my ward is closed down today as another ward is shifting up to our ward and we are shifting down to theirs... They asked me to take leave, however I dun have any more AL already which is rather distressing. So had to go back to my ward to work as a IV Nurse... It wasnt such a bad day anyways and I even had time to have break with lu ling and shirley which we usually would not have a oppurtunity... Anyways I am sick and tired of the kopitiam food... Its just so sickening to think about what to eat everyday during break. Maybe i should start cooking, but I am just too lazy...

Today shirley and me went home together. She was telling me about her trip to bangkok... It seems to fun... i also wanna go!!! She said we could plan a trip at the end of the year, but then I dun have any more AL already... I could use my PH , however I am planning on transferring out by the end of the year... Haiz.. there are just so many uncertainties and can't plan anything properly, but would I rather stay where I am... Many times i feel tempted to stay put where I am but I just feel there is so much more out there I have to experience...

There seem to be less interesting stuff to write about in my life nowadays...

Happy National Day 2008

2008-08-09T19:43:00.004+08:00

Now watching the National Day Parade and wishing I were there... Its been so long since I went to the parade before as a spectator. I think maybe when i was in sec 4... After that I just couldn't seem to get the tickets. So what am I doing thoe whole day... basically nothing, basically eating instant noodles, playing sudoku, watching drama series and trying a study... a bit... What a boring life I have... Well at least I have time to put on a facial mask... hehe

I'm watching the dance component of the national day parade which i hate... its sorta boring and the same every year...

Which makes me remember... Its my 11th year in singapore... Congratulations to me~!

2008-08-09T12:45:00.002+08:00

Trying to study but everytime I open the books I just feel so tired. I know this is just me psychologically. Haiz. whenever I think of this I think I am much better than those ppl who have to work and married with children. They have so much more committments than me so I just shouldn't complain so much. I really wish I could just spend all my free time playing and fooling around... haha. Instead of studying after a long days work... is this very immature of me... I dunno... haha. Anyways life still goes own. Still have to study hard...

trip to zoo

2008-08-08T21:51:00.001+08:00

Beavers

Crocodiles

Babirusa... it smells

The majestic elephants

Pictures of the zoo

2008-08-08T21:48:00.002+08:00

100 tear tortoise

white tigers

grandfather baboon

monkeys by the river

ostrich

Penguins

Slimy snake

A trip to the zoo

2008-08-08T20:37:00.002+08:00

Today went to the zoo with kavi and verna. Woke up reallyy early to get ready , around 6 am.... Was really tired as yesterday slept quite late. Met up with kavi and verna at her bus stop before we took a bus to amk then to the zoo... It has been a really long time since i went to amk and it looks soo different now... Its really a great place to shop now. Took a half hour bus ride from there to mandai zoo. Before that went to eat at kfc. When we finished our brunch it was drizzling outside so me and verna decided to buy a poncho (which we didnt even use in the end cause the rain started as soon as it started). Anyways has been about a year since I went to the zoo so it was ok for me, but for kavi he was sofascinated and the most excited of the 3 of us...

After that we went to amk hub cause kavi wanted to buy a psp. Managed to get a good offer there at a reasonable price. So now the 3 of us have psp already... hehe, can share the games. And he even has the game "Harvest MOON" which I hope to get from him.

2008-08-07T23:33:00.002+08:00

Today had a really fun day with kavi and verna. Went to sing at the ktv at chaichee community centre followed by dinner at pizza hut followed by watching a movie at Princess called "Journey to the Centre of the Earth". It ended up to be quite a good movie despite crappy reviews from yahoo reviews. Kavi told me its much better than "The Mummy 3". It was really quite an exciting, humorous and light hearted show to watch. After that it started to rain very heavily and we were almost stuck in the rain, but good thing managed to come home not wet from the rain. Really really happy cause it has been a long time since we went out together...

Anyways tomorrow we are meeting again to go to the zoo and after that kavi wants to get a psp... hehe.. soo excited!!!

MC again

2008-08-06T20:34:00.002+08:00

Today took mc again. But i really didn' want to take it but had no choice... haiz. had a really bad tummy colicy ache caused by constipation so this morning the pain was so bad until I almost fainted in the toilet. Had to crawl to my mum's room to call for her help . in the end she also didnt really know what to do. She was rather shocked cause when she saw me I had just recovered from my fainting and was all cold, sweaty and pale all over. it was really the most terrible feeling i have ever felt. its just such a terrible feeling after fainting. Though its not my first time fainting but the feeling is just horrible. The feeling is just like I wanted to die already and had no strength at all. Was tossing and turning on the floor and suddenly i just felt so alone... Haiz... But at least my mother was around this time when I fainted. Though she was nagging at me for not taking care of myself and not drinking enough water, not eating enough fruits but at least she was there... And before I went back to sleep she sprayed some lavender oil on my pillow so i could sleep better. Was really touched by her actions. She even called my ward for me cause I was too grouchy, tired and weak saying that I had to take sick leave today...

Anyways i am soo happy cause I am off for the next few days... Tomorrow Have to take AL cause my ward is closing down one day for some dr examination thingy. and the next 2 days after that am having PH and a off day!!! SO happy!!!

2008-08-05T23:41:00.002+08:00

I decided to lose weight... recently been gaining a bit of weight until ppl have been commenting on it.. hehe... will try to go to hospital gym more often!!! Need to lose the fats especially around my stomach.

2008-08-04T16:43:00.002+08:00

Today was a fine day at work. There were no patients in my ward at the start of the shift and me and another staff stayed back in the ward (phew... we were not deployed out). Then it just so happened the morning sister who is quite nice had a nice chat with us... Not as in about work matters but anything under the sun. I think she is a very approachable sister (NC). When me and my friend went for break, we went for the event arranged by HR for congratulating us on passing jci. There were free manicures, foot reflexology, shoulder massage, hand massage, parafinning the hands, face threading etc.... I went for the head and shoulder massage. It was kinda shiok and i feel sorta less tense now.... But they did use a lot of force so it was sorta painful at times. Anyways it was a nice experience. When they massaged my head they used a lot of force until i had some hair drop on my uniform and my hair became a wreck... Anyways signed up for a enzyme facial therapy that only costs 40 bucks... I shall see how it is... i also feel like trying a full body massage but maybe one day i shall drag my friend along with me... hehe

Actually wanted to try other stuff but had to get back to the ward. When I went back, the ward started to get busy so we had to call the deployed staff back...

Anyways in whole it wasnt such a bad day. My friend told me i look tired recently and have puffy eyes... Its probably cause i drink too much water at night....

Now waiting for class to start at 5 and am currently in the school library writing this!!! I really feel damn sleepy... i hope i can tolerate 4 hours of boring research... starting to feel that this part time degree was more than I could handle........ NO!!! Jolyn u cant think like that. Must think positive.... Anyways better run along for class!!!

2008-08-03T20:54:00.002+08:00

I am not watching the krean drama "Pure 19" while typing this. Recently addicted to this series... Its such a nice family drama.

Today there were no patients in our so ward so i was deployed back to my own ward. Feel so tired of getting deployed here and there all the time. Although wanted a change of environment but then wasnt really expecting this... Then today was very tired cause their was this ssn that kept on asking me to help her do "favours" but actually giving me jobs to do. I felt like telling her sorry, i didnt feel like doing the "favours". Then actuaally felt like helping my other colleagues but she just kept on giving more stuff for me to do... Haiz.. i guess I am too easy to bully and sometimes find it hard to say NO to certain people...

Was quite happy, cause in the end didnt have to go to my patient's house to follow up on her dressing. Just have to go on tuesday. After that was sooo tired took a real long nap when i got home. I need more sleep!!!!

HAppy nurse's DAY!!!

2008-08-03T00:36:00.000+08:00

2008-08-03T00:24:00.002+08:00

Its been a while since I last blogged... like maybe 2 months. It has really been very busy, as usual. Been busy with work, school and taking up some extra activitie where i have to go to my patient's house to follow up on whether the family is competent in doing dressing for her. Btw, i bought a psp after much thought, and i am very happy with it but must make sure I dun get addicted to it... This is to make up the "no life' factor I am having... haha.

Anyways yesterday was nurse's day and enjoyed a nurses day lunch buffet. I got a rose from my sister in charge and a few other presents. Even took a picture... Haiz... realise I have been putting on weight recently... have to do away with those carbos!!!

Anyways i got to go off now, got morning shift tomorrow and after that going to my patient's house cause she said there is some leakage in her dressing... haha... Feel tired yet fulfilled, maybe cause I am helping others, but wonder whether its helping me... Haiz, anyways dun want to think so much also... Just we happy with what I have. Its a blessing to live!!!!

2008-06-05T20:36:00.003+08:00

I think these few days I have thought through quite a few things that have been bothering and bugging me. Should I transfer out of my ward and venture out to explore new things or should I just stay put and stay in my comfort zone. This deployment to another ward has made me feel enriched in the aspect that i realise I am someone who still wants to venture out to find out what is most suitable for me and I should take action ... Even though if in the end i decide to come back to where I was initially in, it was the experience that was accumalated. God give me strength!!!

New WARD

2008-05-30T18:57:00.002+08:00

Today was the first day of work in the new ward, though i wouldn't say its exactly work at all... First of all, there are no patients there. the ward will be officially opening on Monday. Its supposed to be a part of A and e observation ward... I just feel sorta excited with this new change in my life.

Today basically did a lot of administrative stuff like ensure all the equipment of the ward was not faulty, ensure there were sufficient supply of medication and medical equipment. We did a lot of admin stuff such as requesting for rosters, ALs, password numbers etc. And lots of competencies such as manual resuscitator etc... We also went down to the A in e to see how they worked and they introduced us to their computer system of writing notes... Its really different in the sense they dun have much paper work to do... Actually I am not really sure what to expect since i have been trained in the wards ever since I passed out. But I will try to do my best where ever i go...

People in the ward gave me the impression of being rather stuck up and unfreindly, but thats only just first impressions. i did get to meet some gems within the stones. Anyways i am determined to make it a good experience!!! God give me strength!!!

After work went back to school to print out all the jounal articles for my " Nursing Knowlege and practice". its like about 50 articles.... haiz... well . its ok just relax and breath in and out... Take it one step at a time...

I feel sort of rejuvenated. I just needed a new environment with new ppl... i was starting to get bored of my life and felt so stagnant. Thanks God for this oppurtunity!

2008-05-29T19:57:00.002+08:00

Today was supposed to be doing night shift... However, when I was getting ready for work received a call from my ward sister asking me whether I was willing to be deployed to ward 77 for 3 months. Its a mini A and E observation ward. i could have rejected the offer but I didn't . I sort of thought it was a good oppurtunity. Recently have been bored with work and feel i am stagnant in the place i work in. Maybe I need a change of enviornemnt with different ppl to make me treasure what i have now. God give me strength!!!

2008-05-29T02:05:00.002+08:00

Hello... Its been a reallly really long time since I last written and during this period I went thorugh a period of highs and lows... Sometimes I wonder why I am doing the things i do, why am I a nurse.. I really cant remember anymore. I wonder why I am trying so hard, why i am studying. Why must I face this world with a masked face of mine. I dunno when these feelings started or where they stem from... probably the devil... When I go to work I am merely working for the sake of getting money... its my only consolation... Sometimes wonder whether I need a break from the place I am working or need something to jolt me back on track. I only know, that all these questions i am facing. No one can tell me... i only can find out for myself...

I really want to go back to being as happy as when i was in polytechnic... I dun want to lose that smile from my face.

2008-05-17T13:04:00.002+08:00

Its been over 2 weeks since I last posted, Lots have happened. I have been to korea and come back. It was a nice experience. Went back to work as usual... Work has been ok.... not much comments about that. Today is finally my off after working 6 days. Feel great and just wanna slack at home and do assignment. I still have 2 more assignments to go and an exam to study for... I really miss the times when I could just relax when I want it... but then there is no turning back really...

sick leave

2008-04-30T17:24:00.002+08:00

Today went to the staff clinic to get leave for my injury sustained. I went to see the occupational health dr and I managed to get Hospitalisation leave although at first he wanted to give me light duty... Is there such a thing as light duty in nursing? Thats a very funny thought. I cant imagine myself sitting at the counter writing report and picking up phone calls. Even doing bed making or lifting patients, or even applying a plaster for a patient is painful... There is no such thing as light duty for nurses and definately for those with injury of the hands. Without your hand or thumb you cant do much... The previous time i injured my ankle but i could still limp around, however this time my thumb is severely swollen and there is hematoma, I cant see how it can be light duty.

Then when I passed up my mc and HL, my SNM didnt look too happy but i didn't really care. After this leave is my annual leave again... Dun really want to bother too much. My friend said i should have taken 1 week of hospitalisation leave, then could have pushed my AL back... Hehe... but I think it would have been too much like that...

I really feel upset about tha place where i work now. Dunno whether its because i just lost my passion in nursing... Haiz. but besides this i dunno what else I am doing. or am I just tired of everything. My friend said I still look very happy on the outside, but I feel inside I am not really that happy as I seem... Haiz... I feel tired.

Anyways i got not much time to think about this. i got to try to finish my 2000 word essay before saturday!!!

2008-04-27T01:22:00.002+08:00

Today was one of the worst days i Had working . Reason being that this morning i was really not feeling well to work. I was having stomach cramps, vomiting and was being blue and moody all over. Furthermore I they decided to cohort all the infectious patients in my room, so I was pretty stressed. Well, usually I would be ok but just today i was already feeling moody in the first place. My junior today did not even have time to go toilet or furthermore to go for break, so I helped her to fetch back one patient from a procedure and helped to sponge one patient and bring another one for shower. Even one of the nice staff asked me why since i came to b2 i Have stopped smiling as frequently as last time. I really dunno whether I am tired becaus eof school or I really dun feel comfortable there..

Here i feel so alone. Like even if anything happens to me or I need help, no one will help me... I feel so helpless sometimes. Is it because i am antisocial. I really tried mixing with them but sometimes I feel that we dun click I know I am not supposed to compare this with the previous place I worked, but here they really dun help one another, althoough they claim to be very united. One eg. today when I was doing a 45 minute massive dressing wearing my isolation gown I accidently pressed on the call bell. Initially I wanted to turn it off but i decided to leave it on and see who came to my help. but after 20 minutes , no one came. Only when my junior came back from bringing one of the patients for assisted shower did she come to check on the call bell. I was rather disapointed at the results. No one came to my help (although i didn't really need it)> I just have been used to the culture of helping each other as much as we can. I am just disapointed that when I come here, they dun practice the same thing , To Help One another...

Did God place me out of my comfort zone to let me experience different feelings??? Can I overcome it...

MiSEARBLE

2008-04-22T13:36:00.002+08:00

Today I am off again, but i am still stuck at home doing my Community profile project. i thought i could get it down by yesterday in school but apparently my school library does not even have Microsoft Word. They only have a program for reading microsoft files but not for doing work. i suspect they purposely did it so that not too many ppl would linger there to do project. Anyways i was rather pissed cause I went there all the way from home to do my project.

Luckily i have Connie Talbot to accompany me. My freind sent me her song "Somewhere over the rainbow" Its really nice and soothing, like a lullaby

I am currently stuck in the last part of my assignment which is the part on Physical Assessment. There are just too many things to say in this section.. Haiz...

I dun even know whether i can finsih this bloody assignment by today. i feel so bloody tired and miserable!!!

2008-04-20T01:45:00.002+08:00

Finally my off day comes. Today was morning shift in charge. I still feel like a immigrant in the place I am working in. I guess it will take some time for me to get used to it. i always beleive as long as i do finish my work and do it well its good enough liao., or rather thats just the basic. Today my colleagues went out after work. Was very tempted to join them but stopped myself as I have to rush this Community profile project before monday. Haiz...

When i came home, I was too tired to do anything so just bathed and took a nap. Initialy only supposed to be for half and hour but in the end it lasted for 3 hours but I feel quite refreshed... Anyways have done at least three quarter of the project already... just hpe i can rush through it and pass it up on Monday so i can start on my essay for Nursing knwlege and practice...

I am just thankful that the next few days i am off so i can concentrate on my studies. its really tiring to study and work at the same time. i can testify that hands down.

2008-04-17T18:41:00.003+08:00

Really cant stand one of the staff at my side... Feel she is very rude and has an attitude problem.

2008-04-16T23:55:00.002+08:00

Haiz... have been so busy the past copy of days . AL has finished, Before AL finished was trying o finish my assignment. Unfortunaely i still have many more sections to cover... After AL finished , everyday has just been packed to the brim. Started my new experience in a new station, meeting new ppl, nursing different patients, adapting to different work flow pattenrns. But watever it is , i beleive as long s i do my work well, u will be accepted anywhere.

I do feel like a outcaste and not welcome sometimes but i try to brush it aside and concentrate on my work... many cause i myself am too tired , I just dun bother. I just need a bit more time o adapt to the ppl there.

After work everyday is classes at SIM. By the time I go home a 10 or 11 pm, I still have to coninue with my assignment whic is due next monday.... Arggh... And i have a mini assignment due on saturday.

2008-04-13T12:07:00.002+08:00

Where is my light, enthusiasm drive, that i had so many years before and I swore to make a difference in someones life with it... Has it all faded into thin air. i FEEL LIKE A ZOMBIE AS i LIVE DAY TO DAY. I SERIOUSLY NEED SOMEONE TO SMACK MY HEAD AND DRAG me back to church to experience all the wholeness goodness in life. I think generally I am still ok on the outside but I feel like a rotten apple inside. Last night met up with Kavi and Verna until 5 this mrning. The past few days have felt constipated with assignments and problems at hom. Finally I have some relief from it all. Though its just a simple outing at Mac, but it really work tonnes. Last night we made a pact... to spread light to someones life each day. I seriously want to do that. I hope i can...

I know I am back sliding and somehow I dun seem to really care. Thats why many years before when my cell group leader asked me to get baptised I just kept quiet. I knew this day would come. if I wanted to I could but I want to commit my whole life to him and have the assurance i wun falter. i knew I wasnt that strong (in the sense of faith). I am back sliding ... I wish someone could just make a difference in my life and show me the right way. Although I knew it all along but i feel too exhausted to thread that path. Thats why I feel like a forsaken fool on earth. Maybe god has forgotten me, or he is calling out to me but i just can't hear... Thats always the case right...

Gotta go now and get Mucrosoft office CD rom from Ina. the pass few days assignment have been done on Word pad. its just too pathethic... haha!!!

2008-04-12T10:00:00.002+08:00

Haiz... i feel kinda depressed. Its my leave but I feel more stressed at home. Stressed not because of my assignment but because my father is at home too. He is just so irritable. i dunno what the hell he wants me to do. i know he thinks just becuase I am at home I should wash the clothes, bathe the cats, fold the clothes, so every a good girl should do... and I can swear I am doing some, but that some is not good enough for his standard and he wants me to do everything. What the hell. I wish u can just rooll back to china and find a mistress (which i suspects he has) to stay there forever. I really wish so... i am not close to him at all...And I am not interested to talk to him at all... He just scolded me and said I treat this place like a hotel and like never see me . What the hell. , please lah i am working and studying at the same time. And I already told him i want to rush my assignments. This is really pushing me to the limit. I really feel tired . Tired of all his nonsense, tired of getting scoldings, I really want him to get out of my life forever. (I dun mean him to die , just get out of my life)...

My mom says just treat what he says like wind, cause she cant give a damn to... She even asked me to go to shchool to do my assignments. Can u imagine even she cant be bothered with him,,, Haiz.... If all guys are like that i rather remain a old spinster all my life...

assignment fever

2008-04-11T18:53:00.002+08:00

Today I spent the whole day doing one of the assignments which I am suppose to pass up today. Just submitted it in already. Next I have to rush another assignment on Community profile which is due next next monday and I havn't started on it yet... i really must buck up and try to get everything done before I go korea next month on the 5th of may. It gives me something to look forward too.... I love holidays!!!

Do u believe in fate. I know it sounds silly and naive but i used to... I used to think that there would be someone out there that god made for me just for me, and no matter what even thru seperation we would somehow meet again. Well i used to have that sort of fantasy and wish that it would come trueh. That that person would be able to accept me even for my weaknesses and flaws. But as I get older I start to feel and realise maybe there is no thing such as love, or maybe not for me , or is it something I have to chase after.... Or am I too simple, ordinary to experience it... haiz... I know it sounds shallow but i feel like that sometimes. i think i watch too many dramas ... hehe!!!

I am still contemplating whether to go for my colleagues house warming tomorrow. But its at Choa Chu Kang... I shall see how my assignment goes along.

More pictures in redang

2008-04-10T16:34:00.000+08:00

Pictures I took in redang

2008-04-10T16:22:00.002+08:00

MY remaining AL at home.... =(

2008-04-10T15:29:00.002+08:00

Its my AL but have to rush my assignments... They just seem to be up to my neck until I cant breath sometimes... hehe... but off course can only say I will try my best.

Today was so tired... My arms and legs were aching. i guess its all the activity from the running, swimming and snorkling. My head feels a bit achy too... I guess its all the sun that has gotten to me...

Been and back from Redang!!!

2008-04-10T00:44:00.002+08:00

The past few days have been in redang until today evening i just came back.

Overall Redang is a really nice place to be in. The nice clear beaches, the strong sun, the exciting snorkling experiences, the buffet food (although the food is really not that fantastic). and i would have to say the company is very important too...

This trip has been a very exciting experience for me. Initially I wanted it to be a relaxing trip where i could just connect with god and have some peace and quiet. However thanks to one of my friends sort of influenced me to take part in the activities such as snorkling (3 times) and banana boat. The snorkling experiences was an eye opener in which i really got to experience marine life. I got to see the beautiful corals and colourful fishes. I even had the experience of feeding the fishes with bread (in which i almost got bitten... hehe). This experience also made me realise I have really bad stamina nowadays and get easily tired (dunno whether its because of my cardio problem)... I really need to exercise more... haha. And I really feel god is really marvellous to create all aspects of the world. Sometimes when i forget all else i think about his greatness and wisdom which is incomparable.

Another activity which was highly thrilling was the banana boat in which 4 to 5 ppl sit on a big banana shaped float which is led by a rope connected to a speed boat. All of us are supposed to hold on tight and turn together when the speed boat turns. Once the banana boat overturns or one of us fall off during the process the whole float will overturn throwing us all off into the sea. it was kinda fun and thrilling especially when we fell off the float. It was safe as we were all wearing a life jacket.

Another thing which i felt very amusing is there is one channel on the tv there that shows "Xia ri de Mo Mo Cha" 24 hours a day 7 days a week because the film was filmed in redang. They are really proud of the show cause this is the show that brought redang to popularity.

Would i go there again... I think maybe not. Cause although i really like the place but its much too far away. The whole journey to get there takes around 10 hours ... and the food there is sorta sucky for a 4 star resort... But will never forget my experience there!!!

Comfort Zone

2008-04-03T14:48:00.002+08:00

I used to think i wanna be the sort of person that is adaptable to changes and willing to step out of my comfort zone anytime... But 2 days ago when i was happily working my sister called me into her office and told me i am to be transferred to another station to work. i was sorta shocked and couldn't really beleive it cause i thought they were joking with me since it was April Fool's Day. I feel sad cause I have been working in this environment for almost 2 years and have gotten all used to my surroundings. Its the place where i really grew, developed and made friends. But I know and guess i have to move on. if next time in the future i ever wanna transfer out of the ward or move out of the hospital, this is only a step towards that. I know my new environemtn is more busy and challenging so I shall just make use of this oppurtunity to gain more experience. God ... Please give me strength.!!!

Anyways can't wait to go redang this sunday with my friends!!!

2008-03-30T01:42:00.002+08:00

Has been a lapse of 10 days since i blogged. my oh my... time flies so much especially whne u are busy. Today had my off day. Decided to do something unproductive the whole day. Basically just slacked the whole day away. watching this korean drama called "Only You" . It just feels like pure pleasure to slack at home today. In the late afternoon went out to meet my colleagues to eat sakae sushi.... it feel great to go out today. really really happy.

2008-03-20T00:06:00.002+08:00

Today finally have time to update my blog. Past 10 days have been very busy with little time for myself. When i am not at work , i am in school.... it doesnt sound like much but actually its taking up 4/5 of my life. The rest of it is for sleep and some minimal rest. I still have many assignments coming up... Haiz so stressed but I must persist on!!!

I really wanna go shopping, wanna go sing k, go out with friends and plan activities like i used to. nothing comes with a little sacrifice and time I guess. It will only be for 2 years. After that i will get my degree and wont have to think about it anymore.

Anyways I wont be having lessons for 3 weeks, so it will be a sort of break. Although I am working most of the time but at least dun have to rush over for classes to sim like 4 times a week... In the mean time will be busy with my assignments . Have to try to get most done before going redang in april.

Haiz. Have night shift again tomorrow. What a drag!

Love is still around

2008-03-10T12:30:00.000+08:00

Today my mum just told me about my grandmother , apparently my aunt doesnt want to take care of her anymore, so they are thinking of rotating her to different houses over 2 weeks. Then they were thinking of getting apersonal maid for her each chipping in some money but my aunt was very reluctant cause she said its expensive... its kind of disheartening to hear all of this, I find my mothers side of the family is not close at all, wheras my father's side family is very closely knitted and my grand ma from my father's side gets treated so much better with TLC. I only know if this happened to my mother i would want to take care of her, cause she took care of me when i was young and even now...

Thinking of this it makes me think about what i see in the hospital.. Some families really treat the hospitals as a dumping ground especially for festive seasons like christmas and chinese new year. Some times i see the elderly patients all alone during cny. I can only offer them a smile or talk to them since during these times its less busy. i feel sympathethic but there is really nothing i can do for them. there was one time i had this very cute patient who looks like tweety bird and she was pretty lonely in the hospital. During one of the days, i folded a bottle of stars for her and wrote her a letter telling her how much joy her cuteness brought me and i hope she will be happy. Then i used to kiss her goodnight on her forehead sometimes, cause she was really sooo cute... haha... Besides that i dun really see how i can make them feel better emotionally besides praying for them also...

Sometimes i feel helpless, especially when i know someone is going to die but i can only see them suffer before my eyes, and only give them some relieveing medicine. but i guess all this is life. it only made me feel more enriching.

There are some really close knitted families around. During my night there was one of my patients whose youngest son, around 23 years old will stay throughout the night to accomapany her, then at night i will see him whispering to his mother;s ear and they will both be talking and holding each other's hands. Its really a sweet scene. There is also another patient who is quite ill and about 80 years old whose hiusband will stay throughout the night to take care of her and help in changing diapars. Then when we asked him whether he was tired he said, i should help her mah, she is my wife. She took care of my children last time, now i must take care of her..... its really soooo sweet until i feel like crying sometimes. So i beleive there is still love around even though sometimes its overshadowed by selfishness, deceit and all the bad stuff around.

2008-03-07T17:25:00.002+08:00

Last night during night shift I was really very very busy... A few of my patients went ill and had to do many extensive treatments from the like take blood, do ecg, give fluid challenge. There was one point in time especially after changing on of the pampers for my patient, i started sweating followed by cold sweat, then felt very uncomfottable. Really didnt feel good but then was so busy , didnt really have time to think abt myself...

I feel when u are working, no one reeally gives a damn abt how u feel, they may ask if u are ok but they are really more concerned abt whether u can still be efficient in this condition, No one gives a damn about how u feel, whether u are depressed or sick, as long as u carry out wat is in ur Job addendum, thats all they care...This is something i really felt for during my working life. its a realistic world....

I hope tonight is better, havnt been able to touch anything called food these pass few days at night.

Anyways i am going to korea with my mym this may!!!! ;)

2008-03-06T18:11:00.003+08:00

Sometimes when i see the unconditional love around me, I wonder whether I would ever experience that... Does it only go to ppl who are sick or selected ppl. Normal ppl like me would be exempted. Am i supposed to give more than to accept. Sometimes when i am facing the person I like or having feelings for, I sort of brush it aside thinking... nah... dun think it would be for me... I know its really pessimistic thinking but well just scared of being rejected again (ya have been ).., my conclusion is my heart is a piece of wood nowadays...

But anyways even if no one loves me. God loves me unconditionally, thats enough .

2008-03-04T21:59:00.002+08:00

Today I felt very stressed at work... Dunno wats with me these days, its either I am grouchy or tired... i guess its just one of those down times again... was sooo busy that i felt overwhelmed and felt like i was almost about to burst and lose my edge... So many forms to label, paper work to finish, butts to clean, injections to give, bloods to take, dressings to do... etc... basically its just a very busy day and i felt a bit over the hill... its just so tiring to always be a middle person, vulnerable to doctors, vulnerable to patients, vulnerable to relatives, vulnerable to patients... sometimes dun even know whether wat i do is a profession or a chore. I feel really very tired, soo tired I wish i could just rest forever (thats a over statement ) i take that back...

Cant wait to go redang with the poly gang. I really need a break from all this shit in life. Shirley and me were also planning to go for a concert. The Mayday concert in april 26!!!! I just wanna enjoy. I really need enjoyment in my life!!!!

2008-03-03T00:26:00.003+08:00

Just woke up from a 6 hour "nap"... feel really really very tired. Today was morning shift and was practically like a zombie the whole day, feeling not focused at all, having aheadache. I was practically whining the whole day abt work (I dun usually whine ok.... haha) ... Couldn't finish on time... was suppose to meet guan yi for a lunch treat after work but couldnt finish on time so when she called I asked her to come down and help me. In fact feel kinda touched , veni and giam both stayed back a while to help me out with my discharge and admission... Felt rather ineffiecient today , thats why ppl had to help me... haha... But still touched they are willing to stay back to help me... haha.

After work, me and guan yi went to eat at delifrance. had a treat there... haha. Ate lasagne, pizza, corn soup, lemon tea and we got a free waffle with ice cream. I think i got from being hypo to hyper... haha

Sometimes i feel very pathethic, put in so many hours of work a day on work... feel so tired from it... feel like i am being sucked up dry like a dried plum.

U touched my Heart

2008-03-01T01:00:00.003+08:00

Today was a great day i have to say, went out with my colleagues which i have not done in a long time. Went to watch "2 Faces of my Girl friend". Its quite a lame but nice show and definately a comedy to cheer u up and it has a touching story line to it too... After that went to eat at pasta cafe where we all gathered and chatted... really treasure my times with them, especially now when i got so little time to go out... haha

Anyways today at 11.54 am I got a shocking piece of news. My favorite patient Jess (not her real name but nickname i gave her) had passed away. Really felt shocked and sad initially followed by feelings of peace. In the evening went for her wake. When i saw her in the coffin I could not help but smile... i just felt so releived for her, that she would not go thru so much pain again and she could rest peacefully. It was then her sister gave me a letter she had written before she had passed away. I really wanted to break down and cry when i read it... though in simple english, it meant so much to me... I just think of what sort of thoughts was running thru her head when she wrote this, was she thinking that she would die anytime, so she wanted to write to us to tell us how she felt ... Anyways the letter goes like this... i feel like sharing

Hey Li Shan (ppl call me that at work)

Still remember how we first met? Well i still remember. That was the first time staying in ward 48. That was when i stayed in the air con place and came to a non air con place in central . It was so hot and i was complaining that I wanted to change place. You were the one who told me not to change cause it was very good here. etc...

I still remember I was very depressed and u were there to support me and comfort me, and we talked alot about aLL SORTS OF THINGS.

I will never forget all these memories. You are all the best, lovely angels I have ever met.

Take care always and never give up even though working here is tough.

Love Jess...

Though in my line there are patients coming and going, but she is the on that really touched my heart. She was only 1 year older than me and we used to chat together , i saw the time when she just got diagnosed a year ago or so, from being depressed, to the extent she wouldn't speak to anyone. Everyday i had to coax her to take her medicine. Gradually she got better emotionally and i would sometimes complain to her abt work and how tired i felt and we would encourage each other. During nights when she was around she would sit at the counter and chat with us. Sometimes we would order supper together... and bicker at each other... yesterday she was really fitting very seriously but alll we coulkd do was just give her sedation cause she was not for anymore treatment and we gave her the maximum amt of oxygen via face mask. She just kept telling us she was sorry... probably she knew she was going off soon.

I treasure all these memories, but more than that I am thankful she was put in my life. Its not me that touched her life ,but she who touched mine. i dun regret knowing such a wonderful person like her. And i feel thankful that god has placed me in such a position to experience this love. though i see patients dying suffering and dying often but with my little help here and there i could make a little difference to make them comfortable... thats all that counts. I will not give up though its tough!

I hope those around me will also be happy and not wallow in self pity cause they dun have this or that. But just be happy and contented... life is as simple or complicated as u think it is... Ok i better get some sleep. I have afternoon shift tomorrow.

2008-02-27T01:00:00.001+08:00

Hi... Now watching a korean drama... the story is basically about a kindergarten, the children and the ppl working in and around it and the main character is a kindergarten teacher... its basically like any korean drama with love , family warmth... etc... Watching it reminds me of the time when i was working in a play school (though only for a short time) ... That was after my o levels , during the very long holidays . i took up 2 jobs . In the morning worked in the play school, opeinging it up before the students and the teacher came in, mopped the floor , got ready all the toys and teaching materials. When the kids came (they were around 2 to 3 years old) helped around and assisted the teacher in singing with them and playing with them, When they needed to go toilet had to help around etc... After they left, helped to tidy up and clean up the place again etc. clean toilet, tidy the cabinets... haha. In the afternoon i had another job at burger king.... Woah , those were the days, working without much responisbility and thought....

tHOUGH I USED TO WORK IN A PLAY SCHOOL, I AM NOT NATURALLY GOOD WITH KIDS. I duno how to sweet talk or coax the little kids and i wun suddenly start hugging them and giving them kisses. And i dun have the face that kids like i guess. One of my friends, verna... she is really good with kids... She can think of funny stuff to talk to them, play with them, start telling them jokes etc... I guess its due to the fact she has so many brothers and sisters so its like that at her house. i think she must be a good sister. She is even planning of doing pre school education after her bond... I am happy she finally found what she likes to do... hehe... but for me ... well kids are cute lah... but i think thats abt all there is to comment on that... haha

Ok better back to studying... preparing for a tutorial tomorrow on the Effects of technology on Nursing...

A Long DAY

2008-02-25T22:30:00.003+08:00

Today was a really really really long day... i finally get a chance to sit down and really breath and recollect the thoughts of the day... Had morning shift today and it was a pretty fine day at work... had time to help my junior to do 2 sponging for the patients... Felt really really hot today, dunno whether its because of the weather today, the new uniform , or some hormonal imbalance in my body... hehe... Was quite free, I even had time to help my colleague serve some of her IVs and medication...

Anyways after my work at around 3 had to go for some stupid clinical teaching in which one of my colleagues presented on a case study of one of her patients eg. diagnosis , treatment plan, necessary interventions etc... it was damn boring until i almost slept. I know its pretty mean but just couldn't help it... I only had less than 4 hours of sleep last night... And if thats not bad enougH after that had to rush over to SIM for classes at 5... Haiz... I didn't even have time to bathe!!! My only consolation is that i bumped into guan yi on the way there and we both took the bus to sim from the hospital as its near her house... Really miss her to bits... She was saying if she could return back to our ward and by thAT time i finished my degree AND decided to do my advanced diploma, could we do it together...

I have never really thought of speciallising in oncology or anything else yet, and even IF i were to decide on it, it would be on my own accord, i wun do it because anyone else asks me to do it... however , if its her i wouldn't mind studying together with her, cause she is someone who can spur me on and motivate me and i really need someone like that. We always seem to encourage each other on... hehe

The lesson AT SIM today was pretty interesting but exhausting to the mind... the first 2 hours was tutorial which i did not have any time at all to prepare for... Each group was supposed to send out a representative to voice out ther opinions... it suddenly hit me that although i have my own opinions but i am not exactly a really vocal person... Somnetimes really envy those really vocal ppl, who can voice out their opinions so confidently and are even fighting to represent their tutorial to presnt on their topic. i sorta get a bit freaked out when i get near the microphone and my voice becomes so soft and scrawny... hehe. And i really find it amusing that some ppl can stay back after classes to ask questions that i never even thought of asking.... well , i suppose they are really hard working... Thats the art of critique i guess.. which we are suppose to learn. tutorial was followed by a 2 hour lecture. aNWYAS cant say anything more now cause i am really really too tired and i need a good nights sleep... cant wait to attack my bed!!!

2008-02-23T23:45:00.002+08:00

Today finally got to rest at home and just slack... Have been extremely busy this week. Everyday has been just work and classes after that... seldom got anytime for myself. Fell sick on one of the days and had to take mc but still went for classes cause their is no replacement class even when i am sick... Haiz... Anyways classes have been good. its tough to juggle school and work together but i will try my best... Been rather stressful cause this module requires alot of reading of many articles, and I am not even a quarter thru. Anyways I shall continue tomorrow since today is my rest day for the week... Haha... Must set aside some times for relaxation.

Today met up with jacq, alina, jenny at golden mile to enquire about our trip to redang. And yes, its confirmed already will be going between april 6 to 9... Really excited. i will get a chance to do snorkling and do all the fun stuff and really relax... Booked the tour from Konsortium tour agency.

Tomrrow i am having afternoon shift. I will just tahan until my next off on tuesday...

Lord Give me strength

2008-02-21T00:14:00.002+08:00

Give us your strength, Lord
Because sometimes things get tough
and we are tempted to quit

Give us your love, lord
Because sometimes ppl reject us,
and we are tempted to hate

Give us our eyes, lord
Because sometimes life gets dark,
and we lose our way.

Give us your courage, Lord
Because often we are put under pressure,
and its hard to do what is right.

Give us yourself , Lord
Because our hearts were made for u,
and we will not rest until we rest in u.

Mark Link, S.J

TIRED

2008-02-17T10:05:00.003+08:00

Last night after work really was tooo tired to do anything... I never knew i was so tired until i slept... it think i slept more than 12 hours but it was great. I no longer have that achy feeling in my body now. My only regret was that i did not have time to really talk to my sister who is only coming back to singapore these few days that i happen to be so busy... Actually had alot to tell her but i am just too tired and brain dead to say anything... Yesterday in the evening also was suppose to go my aunt's house for some reunion but i gave it a miss too...I think when u are tired , u just wanna stone and be by urself and think by urself and just get some rest...

On a lighter note i will be starting my lessons tomorrow after work ... hehe... and tomorrow will be the day our singhealth changes our uniform too... haha. Btw the new uniform looks quite horrible...

Was thinking, may want to be a community health nurse, like those type of nurses that go ppl house to administer nursing care or give teaching next time... also thought of going places such as dubai or australia... But these are just thoughts. its impossible to do them now...

ORIENTATION

2008-02-14T21:44:00.002+08:00

Its been a busy day... Oh wait before i start i would like to wish everyone a Happy valentines Day...

Today was my sim first day of orientation. I woke up around 6 plus to get ready. I was still dopey eyed when i was out of the house and struggled with everyone else in the mrt... it was damn squeezy... I have really forgotten the feeling of squeezing in the mrt... going to work and school at a more sane time rather than 5 plus in the morning... sorta miss the feeling. Anyways i still have one more day to experience that again before i go back to my normal routine of going work at 5 plus in the morning again... haha... on the way there did my normal routine of listening to the radio , thats when i realised it was valentines day (not that it makes very much difference). According to statistics singapore men are more willing to spend money to surprise their girl friends or other halves. They are willing to spend up to 500 dollars for the occasion itself. So singaporeans are the leading country in asia that celebrates valentines day... hehe . Anyways personally to me I just find valentines day a gimmick used to earn money... But then every girl likes a surprise sometimes... haha

Went to SIM and met up with some of my old batch mates during the orientation. During the orientation, they basically just introduced the faculty ppl, gave us info on our course, how to access e learning, find information through online databases, basic techniques in essay writing and referencing. the last part abt essay writing was pretty boring but its quite important so i struggled to keep myself awake... i think the most interesting part was the tea break and lunch... hehe... kidding lah.... I really did enjoy it today except the fact that they already gave us h/w to produce tomorrow during day 2 of orientation.

We finished around 4 and after went to century square to watch "PS... I Love u"... its not bad but i still prefer 27 Dresses. Tomorrow will be another day of orientation...

POST NIGHT

2008-02-13T22:14:00.003+08:00

Been busy the past 24 hours and it has been a long night and day.... Anyways.. my round of night shift was kinda horrible... i beleive its because now the patients are all heavy and the combination of ppl I am working with... Its all about group dynamics , the night can be shitty but if u are working with the right ppl for u , things will turn out fine... I just feel this combination i am doing more than the others... Just met up with jacq, jenny and alina in the evening though i was really really sleepy... only caught a few hours of sleep in the afternoon.... We were discussing about our trip to redang which will be roughly around april 6 to 9... It will be a good getaway near to nature and i could experience snorkeling which i have not done before... hehe. I just imagine everything, the sea breeze, the nice blue sea , the soft sand, wind blowing against my cheeks, hearing the sound of me breathing.... i really really need a break...

The next 2 days will be busy with sim orientation... Hope it will turn out fine...

Sometimes i wish ppl would just leave me alone at the appropriate time... i just need to be alone with myself sometimes...

2008-02-12T10:04:00.000+08:00

Sometimes really dunno what to say... Its not that i want to complain but sometimes i just dun understand how ppl can be like that... but then i always tell myself who am i to say other ppl's flaws. its not as if i am perfect...I dun want to be that type of person that only know how to say other ppl, but dunno how to work... Working with different types of ppl is difficult. You have to learn to accept each others flaws and working habits... Will I be the sort of person that ppl respect in the future.. I am far from that i guess... But i will work hard.

JINKO ME

2008-02-11T16:46:00.000+08:00

Omg... i still cant beleive it. I just prayed that yesterday would be a good and peaceful day... and in the end i not only had one of my patients pass away... but 2.... I can only be grateful they were not for any invassive investigatrions (like not to be sent to icu). Their prognosis was poor and were expectred to pass away just maybe within a time frame... anyways i still cant over the fact both died during my shift... haiz. haiz haiz, and i am the one that was pushing the e trolley her and there. It was just so occupied last night.. didn't even have time to eat... Only at the ending of the shift i ate potato chips that my friend bought... (salt and vinegar flavour)... yum yum... haha... I hope tonight will be a better night...

2008-02-10T19:20:00.000+08:00

Sianz........... its the old vicious cycle... i am dragging my feet off to work for night shift.... i always have the old dreary feeling when i have night shift... hope tonight will be peaceful... Its so dreary until i cant seem to smile and i feel so empty inside when working... Sayonara. see u tomorrow... Hopefully I will be in one piece...

2008-02-10T11:54:00.000+08:00

Tonight having night shift so just slacking around the house a bit before i being my round of night again. Just ordered the KFC Golden feast so waiting for it to be delievered... Plannning my schedule for the next 2 weeks. really packed schedule nowaays... busy with work, orientation and school and when i squeeze in time... piano classes, hardly got any free time... wat more to plan stuff like i used to do... well.. I have enjoyed that before, so having no regrets. Now is a phase in my life that i just feel like enriching and advancing myself...

DAY OUT with Mates

2008-02-10T03:19:00.001+08:00

Back from meeeting together with kavi and verna. We met up at 11 pm at mac which was rather late. but anyways it was worth it... really been some time since we chatted and i would admit to anyone hands down i would give them priority of my time compared to working or poly mates... They are just the person i feel totally at ease with... Even though we are tired after work, but never too tired to meet. Its just seeing each other and chatting is a form of destressment for us... I dunno how much i will have to meet up with them once i start my course in sim... but i know i always have them for support.

Anyways planning to spend my valentines day with them... In fact Feb. 14th is spent whole day on sim orientation... wat a bore...

Went out with alina after work in the late afternoon... We wanted to search thru tour agencies for info of tours to redang but unfortunately all the tour agencies in chinatown are closed... Haiz.. I brought her to eat korean food in chinatown... we ate rice, chicken stew casserole, spring onion egg ommelette, and korean rice cake.. anyways it was really nice... Hard to describe . Will try to upload pictures when i can... Pictures can tell a hundred words... After that decided to go tampines to watch kung fu Dunk. it was a not bad show but extremely exaggerated... but it was worth it cause jay chou was inside so was pretty cool... It feels funny but nice to be able to go out on a saturday evening. Like i am back to normal life or like when i was a student.

I used to think that shift duties would be fun exciting and challeging... but now i really wish i could work on weekdays and have off on weekends... Just yearn for a nomal lifestyle... people are always like that... never contented...

BUSY and Tiring Day

2008-02-08T23:17:00.000+08:00

Heya... today was a superbly busy day.. and i feel damn exhausted.. words cannot describe this feeling. But i can only say it was superbly busy for a chinese new year... and the day just left me feeling confused... haha... anyways its over. I should just learn to just let go after work... Probably i should take up meditation like my mother and listen to those aromatherapy music... Or i could take up yoga... nah.. too busy liao...

Now listening to gold. 90.5... some oldie songs called "me and you and a dog named boo"... Oh really hate the song... but seems rather familiar... haha... probably heard it when i was young...

Tomorrow will be a busy day too... Have morning shift. After that will be meeting up with alina to enquire about tours to redang. Will be bringing her to eat korean food after that... Then in the night will be meeting up with kavi and verna to hang out at our usual meeting place... Anyways sunday i will be having night shift so can go out late... Time really flies especially when u working. i feel like 25 already... haha!!!

FUNCTIONS

2008-02-08T00:11:00.000+08:00

Just came back from my aunt's house. Met up with all my cousins from my mother's side... They are the type that i really see or meet once a year during cny or during weddings and funerals... somehow feel rather detached and forced when i start a conversation... I find myself usually mixing with one of my closer cousins, or the aunty section, food section, titbits section or watching tv _ american idol like i did so today... anyways the american idol was nice... its the 7th season... cant beleive it... The last time i watched it was the 3rd season when i was in yr 2... Anyways i find myself looking forward to the food only when i go for these functons...

Anyways its back to work tomorrow... haiz... hopefull tomorrow is not too busy.

2008-02-07T12:20:00.000+08:00

Hi... its cny. Happy chinese new year to everyone. Anyways been busy with cny preperation... This yr my relatives came over for reunion dinner so had to help around the house. Anyways today my aunt and cousin also came over and they have just left... So i pretty have much of the time left for myself until the evening. I need to go over to my mother's side family's house...

Anyways i just realised that i am easily drawn to ppl with nice smiles... i was talking to my cousin and actually i kept on looking at his smile... So i guess a smile is very important.. everyone loves a lovely smile...

2008-02-06T12:59:00.000+08:00

I am sooooooooo tired... Just finished packing my brother room, tidying up downstairs, preparing lunch for my grandmother, folding the clothes.... I really regret having the eve off... ok. I think my point is brought across.... I am now ripping shows into my external hard drive for my sister to borrow when she comes back singapore.... ripping "Coffee Prince " now.

Just feel so wasted to stay at home and do house work... since i am starting my course soon.. why cant i just go out and enjoy before all that starts...

House work... hehe

2008-02-06T11:26:00.000+08:00

I am tired... after just 2 hours of house work... haha... this is more exhausting than work... i cant imagine how my mom can do it the whole day ... she is super mom... Anyways she asked me to tidy up my brother's room... bleh... big fat ass... but anyways it gives me time to update u....

CNY Eve

2008-02-06T10:26:00.000+08:00

Today is cny eve... it will be busy busy busy... i dun really like cny... its just so busy.. the rest of the year is busy and hectic and cny is no exception... thn u will have to face relatives and smile and pretend to be interested in their topic and they will ask u questions like whether u have boyfriend...etc... u know what i mean... But i like the food... hehe...This year cny will be at my house so not really sure abt the good food.. we are having steamboat for the eve... tomorrow will be going over to my mother's side(think the food will be better). I just finished cleaning my windows, now have to clean the metal railings and the mirror... today must stay at home and be a "guai" type of girl (rolls eyes)... such a waste for my off day... Haiz.. anyways i am using my brother com cause my computer monitor is spoilt... Haiz...

Probably today will be spent doing errands for my mum.... I wish i was working morning on the eve... seriosly.... haha!!!

27 Dresses

2008-02-06T02:13:00.000+08:00

Went out with angelina in the evening cause she is going back to auzzie next week and i dun know when i will meet her... Was late for 45 minutes (so typical of me) so treated her to dinner...

We went to watch the show"27 Dresses", and its soooo nice. Initially we wanted to watch the sweeney todd show but after reading the reviews decided not to cause its rather gory and i dun really wanna watch such a stressful show as i already feel stressed out.. "27 Dresses" is a really really nice show... Its those type of shows that make u leave the theatre feeling touched, happy and fuzzy inside... hehe... and makes u feel that there is something such as true love. Its hundreds of times better than the previous show i watcheed called "The Mist"(oh it was horrible , especially the ending). Anyways its definately not a bimbo show as one of my friends said... In fact its as good as "The Devil wears prada". The main lead female is sooo pretty and the guy is so cute... He looks so charming and i love his smile... Lastly this show makes u hopeful that one day u will find ur true love... hehe...

Anyways after that went to eat taiwan xiao chi at century square and chatted at the same time then we started gossiping and catchingup with old stuff... hehe... Really seems that when i am with her cant finish talking... time always passes so fast. the next time i see her will probably be in june... will miss her... We shall both work hard in our respective roles.... Love u ,, my friend.... Thank u friend... u really made me feel better!

Guess I gtg now... tomorrow have to wake up earlier to help around the house cause got relative coming over to my house for cny eve.... Adios!!!

My FIRST COMPLAINT

2008-02-03T00:37:00.000+08:00

Haiz... remember the patient i was talking about who i transferred up and down the bed... well I officially got my first complaint letter in the feed back form saying i am not sensitve and not empathethic... this really sucks. i feel so upset and feel like shit... and unappreciated.

I suppose i am suppose to take this as a learning experience but cant seem to get positive thoughts in my head now., just let me grumble the night away. Tomorrow will be a new day. I suppose sometimes i can become rather moody... but i just feel hurt. Cause i am after all someone who takes pride in my work. Haiz. anyways its all over. I think if i go back i probably would not change anything. Maybe i shouldn't have helped out my other colleagues then i would not have gotten all this shit. I cant think of anything i would change . Probably keep the comment to myself... thats all...

Haiz.. am i think by the time i am 30 i will be a grumpy old spinster if i continue having the life i am having. Dun even know if its a life... at all...

2008-02-02T03:23:00.000+08:00

Hey its almost 4 in the morning. U must be thinking why this girl is still awake... hahah... anyways i cant really sleep now cause i slept at 7 pm to 3 am... will catch some more sleep after this.. Anyways my sleep was great. Wow... cant beleive i slept a whole 8 hours.. Thats just so great... Anyways i feel so sad... my tv in the room not working. It has officially gone crazy, so no more watching shows until i get a new one... haha. anyways this tv is very old , almost 10 yrs, but it has only been in my room for 2 months and it decided to die in my hands... haha...

Today was working in the day shift... It was a pretty ok day for me only that i was the in charge of the room and my junior was this 60 year old aunty. Thenhaving her as my junior is like me being th e junior myself... I really have to help her with most things cause she has a bad knee... I helped her with most of the sponging and answer many of the call bells... haiz.. anyways also dun want to complain so much or else it seems like i am very evil discriminating against the elderly. Anyways I am not. I am very willing to help them. just that this aunty is very "de cun jin chi" ... which means give a foot , take a yard. I FELT I am being bullied !!! Just because u are old and have a bad knee doesn't mean u can ignore the call bells or show that kind of face when i ask u to do things when passing report... so pissed off. Anyways i really showed my temper to her but she is probabaly too thick skin to see it... What to do. I cant probe further cause this society is very into showing respect to the elderly... hahaha....

Ok better go and sleep now... Tomorrow have to go earliy to national heart centre for my appointment before my work in the afternoon...

A Hypocritical smile

2008-02-01T00:01:00.001+08:00

Work sucks sometimes... This is like a phrase used to start a composition.. i could just go on and on... and it would reach no end... i just feel really unappreciated no matter how hard i try sometimes... Firstly i am upset cause i was attending to this patient for 3 or 4 times getting her up and down the bed... and she is so damn freaking heavy but i just discharged my duties as this is my job... The aunt's family keep on wanting us to transfer from bed to chair, from chair to commode numerous times... i attended to her although its not even my patient. Obviously inside my head and mind i would not be happy to do it but i just did it... so after my break i came back and it just so happened that her call bell was on and no one was attending to it, so me and my colleague went to attend and we saw the aunty back on the chair when before my break i had put her back on bed... so i just commented "huh... how come she is back on the chair again" Thats all i said... After that, the aunty's daughter who overheard this said sarcastically, "You CANNOT
be like this u know, these patients are very old and suffering". "how can u pass these sort of remarks""U all should try to understand them and grant them their wishes." Then i was so diaoz... she just kept on rambling on and on but i couldn't bother to listen to her so just put her back to bed with my friend's help... I just feel quite irritated but its just something i have to swallow . I really wanted to say something back at her but i think if i said anything it wouldn't have been something pleasant...

I really feel irritated. Sometimes no matter how much u try to help someone, ppl just dun seem to appreciate it... And its frustrating. i dun even thinki said something wrong or sarcastic or was complaining. It was just a comment that i was saying to my colleague. A aptient of family member can always vent their anger on us or treat us as high class maids but we can never do the same or voice out our frustration. Just becuase this is our job and they are freaking "customers", we are suppose to give the service with a smile... SHIT!!!! I understand how patients are miserable and we need to empathise with them... I dun expect u understand how we feel but at least treat us as human beings and not maids or robots...

I just feel so disapointed with this world sometimes....

Wipe Away tears (Daily bread Jan. 30th entry)

2008-01-31T01:03:00.000+08:00

God will wipe away every tear from their eyes . . . . There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away. —Revelation 21:4

I had just finished preaching on the heartaches of life, when a couple approached me at the front of the church. The woman told me about the burden they bore as a family. Their young son had severe physical problems, and the strain of the constant care of this needy little guy, coupled with the heartache of knowing they couldn’t improve his situation, sometimes felt unbearable.

As the couple shared, with tears in their eyes, their little daughter stood with them—listening and watching. Seeing the obvious hurt etched by tears on her mother’s face, the girl reached up and gently wiped the tears from her mother’s cheek. It was a simple gesture of love and compassion, and a profound display of concern from one so young.

Our tears often blur our sight and prevent us from seeing clearly. In those moments, it can be an encouragement to have a friend who cares enough to love us in our pain and walk with us in our struggles.

Even though friends can be a help, only Christ can reach beyond our tears and touch the deep hurts of our hearts. His comfort can carry us through the struggles of our lives until that day when God Himself wipes away every tear from our eyes (Rev. 21:4).

The God who washed away our sins will also wipe away our tears.

Working Life

2008-01-31T00:29:00.000+08:00

Today was a ok day at work despite the fact that i was deployed to another station. In fact nowadays work is just so-so... after a while its just repitition... thats why i was determined to make a change in my life this year... I would either apply for a degree or apply for transfer, in the end i got the degree course so i guess i will be staying in the ward for the time being. but i guess maybe i wun want to stay here for long also, but only time will tell.

I cant believe it that i have worked 1 and a half years... I still feel inadequate in certain ways... My ward is a nice place to be in. I really grew , matured , blossomed (not sure that is a correct word to use)... However it can be a hell hole sometimes. But i guess thats what work is all about. It aint exactly a bed of roses...

Today was sitting at the bus stop waiting for my bus, was listening to the 200 pounds beauty song... then was just thinking to myself that i actually feel this emptiness in myself sometimes when i actually quieten myself down. I really would love to cry out to someone. But more than that i want renewed hope in my daily life... cause i really have been using my own strength to get thru day by day... (or more or less to say i have back slided away from god)... I really feel tired and empty sometimes... i feel ashamed to approach my cell group member to pray for me cause i have been MIA for so long... they have probably forgotten about me ba...

I have never been a strong christian... But i know that ppl need some pillar of support for their strength. And this pillar is something that cannot be found on this earth...Only then can we be pillars for other ppl.

OFF TODAY

2008-01-30T00:41:00.000+08:00

Today is my off day... Didn't do much today... As I slept very late last night I woke up around 12 today... anyways was still very very exhausted when i woke up... But i had piano lesson today so had to practise a bit before going for piano class. I hope i can continue my piano practising once my sim course starts, cause nowadays even without studying i really have to squeeze time to practice. Its also due to the fact that i am not very disciplined in practice. hehe...

Anyways after todays off i will be working for 6 days shift straight and my schedule is all packed... sianz... will have to go pass up my documents to sim after work on friday and settle my bills.

2008-01-29T04:29:00.000+08:00

Today had afternoon shift... Have not been working day shifts for quite some time after my AL and night shifts... I just felt rather disorientated ... Had chemo to put up, new changes to follow etc... Anyways i couldn't finish on time and had to go home at around 10.30... (it was also due to the fact that I had someone as my junior... ahem...). After work I met up qith shirley at the mac at tampines interchange and we chatted until 3.30 in the morning. She has night shift tomorrow while I am off...

When i think about the fact that I joined nursing, I realise it was a heavy decision to make right after school... Though I enjoy what I do with all my heart, i cannot deny the fact that it has eaten into my personal life. Sometimes I feel upset, but since I have chosen this path for myself I will still have to go on with it... I only wish for a more enriching experience.

I managed to get into SIM which came as a surprise cause i sort of thought i would not get selected... but i did... so i think its by god's grace that i got selected.... And i will take it as a challenge .

2008-01-23T03:03:00.000+08:00

Just came back from having supper and chatting with Kavi and verna. Up to date they are the ppl I can feel totally at ease with... We sort of grew up together and been thru lots. Our friendship is priceless. I thank God for bringing such friends to my life to make life more bearable... haha.

We were talking about our memories in secondary school and how much we missed school compared to working life... Things were so much simpler than. I used to really like someone in secondary school . Then they were asking me why i liked him... Actually its sometimes things like these that we have no idea how to answer... its just a simple moment that sort of clicks or touches our heart that causes a lasting impression. Suddenly ur heart will feel alive and sweet. Although i guess i got rejected but my heart still felt alive at that time... Then it suddenly struck me that now i go on to my day to day life looking contented, but my heart feels really dead. I think i have been creating a barrier around my heart. I guess its fear of rejection and alot of things happened around that made me beleive there is no love that actually lasts, or if there is one, it probabaly wun be mine... i guess i sound pessimistic in this aspect (its a part of me that i never really show). But even if my heart is never made alive I promise myself i will still be strong and happy.

Talking about my heart I have a heart appointment this saturday at heart centre cause of my frequent fainting spells. Haha...

Haiz... sianz... Night shift sucks

2008-01-20T16:55:00.000+08:00

Haiz... i have been called back to do night shift today although i am suppose on annual leave now... Anyways I will make sure they give it back to me by hook or by crook. I just hate doing night shifts... Hopefully tonight will be peaceful. I know some of my collagues like night shift but i find it a hindrance to my daily life.. I cant plan my stuff properly. I was just in the midst of clearing my cupboard when my sister called me back... Actually i could have rejected them but i know that somebody has to take over it... Cause ppl have taken over me... thats a part of what nursing is all about. Just feel like grumbling though i know its no use at all.. On top of thAT I have a runny nose and diarrhea... And I have my facial appointment at 1 pm tomorrow... My face already sucks as it is.. On top of that u wanna add a night shift before hand... I think i will really die of fatigue tomorrow... Plus I have night shift again on wednesday... Arrgh... i hate it. I hate it...

2008-01-20T11:08:00.000+08:00

Last night was looking through my clothes and sorting out those i will never wear again and those that are not suitable for wearing. Found out that my dress sense has really changed.. Not a very drastic change but at least i feel better about how i look. I think i have to owe it to some of my colleagues cause always accompant them go shopping until i sometimes become a mini shopping queen myself... last night when i was sorting through my clothes i suddenly had difficulty in breathing , cold sweat and suddenly turned pale.. i jjust felt very uncomfortable... I suspect it has has something to do with my cat fur cause my cat always used to hide inside my cupboard... I just felt very uncomfortaBL like near fainting but off course not as serious as that...

Think i will just continue with my spring cleaning after this...

FEEL SICK

2008-01-19T20:30:00.000+08:00

This is the worst diarrhea I have ebver had.... went to the toilet 7 or 8 times.. Well. i guess its good in the sense can lose weight, but feel damn uncomfortaBLE. Today spent my day slacking at home. My brother helped me find out wat is wrong with my computer... My computer screen keeps on flickering.. Inthe end there is something wrongs with my graphics card so went across the road to buy a new one for 79 bucks and install it. Now just need to download the sound card cd rom.. cant seem to find it anywhere in the house... Later will just ask my brother... No mood or energy to go out either . just feel so lethargic and weak. I think i will just spend my evening packing my room ready for cny ba...

MiLDLY Sick

2008-01-18T11:45:00.000+08:00

Now feeling quite sick... tummy ache plus diarrhea. think must be last night I either overate or ate the wrong thing... Anyways I will not let that affect my plans tonight . Me and angelina are going to have to sleep over at my sister's house. hehe...

Beginning of a new blog

2008-01-18T02:17:00.000+08:00

Hello. It has been approximately more than a year since I last blogged... Dunno why, been busy with work. Besides work mostly try to keep myself busy with piano classes, going out with colleagues or friends or just staying at home to rest. Can't believe I have worked for 1 and a half years already. i just remember the days when i was still anewbie ever ready to start work. I only thank god that I have not lost that fire and passion for what i do...

Today went out with my poly mates to eat seoul garden. Didn't really want to eat there cause i feel like I have been putting on weight recently. Wll in the end i gave in... hehe... and just ate the seoul garden. Though it has been 6 hours but i feel like its not yet digested yet and still feel kinda sick and full... haha During the conversations with my poly mates one of them asked me why i never updated my blog. I told them that i had totally neglected it. But then i decided it would be nice to have a blog to write my thoughts too... I am not writing anything secretive but just my general thoughts... i remember last time during poly I used to have a blog... really felt happy to write in it...

Anyways I applied for a part time degree in sim for nursing... i might not get in but i just wanna give it a shot... I am really hoping i get in....